What is Happiness?

I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I've been in a bit of a funk, to be honest. I'm a CRNA and have been doing anesthesia for seven years ias of May 2026 and will have been an RN for twenty years at that point.

Needless to say I've seen some wonderful things, and I've seen my share of fucked up things. The latter tends to stick with you.

In October, I was really in the feels as personal relationships were changing and I was getting older. I turned 43 on December 2025. Despite seeing death on an almost weekly basis for the past twenty years, I don't think it really hit me that I was on the same trajectory as everyone else until the first Presidential debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Not insulting anyone, but I watched in horror as we saw our then president stammer and look confused. He looked like he had dementia. And now we're watching the same thing with our current president.

One way or another, we all face that same decline and are on a one-way trip.

In my career, I've watched a lot of people die despite our best efforts. I didn't even realize how heavy a toll it had taken on my psyche until October when I just felt incredibly depressed, which is something I hadn't felt since CRNA school.

But, again, I was finally starting to realize that I was slowing down, that I was getting older. And I had some signifigant life changes. A long-time childhood friend dropped off the map. My relationship with my cousin was changing. And two of my best friends, my dogs Zoey and Marley, passed. Marley to bone cancer, and Zoey to dementia of all things. I didn't even know dogs could get dementia until I saw it with her.

I try not to dwell on their loss. But it definitely hits me at times. Those two got me through one of the toughest times of my life, which was Nurse Anesthesia School. In the span of six months, I got divorced after an eight year marriage, a close friend committed suicide, and then two of my own classmates also committed suicide.

Saying that time had a profound impact on my life is an understatement. Until then, I had always been pessimistic. I think I did that as a self-protective mechanism so I wouldn't get disappointed. The tragedies in school happened in pairs - my friend and the end of my first marriage were the first, in a span of two weeks. My classmates passed about six months later. I remember telling myself it could always be worse. I had my health at least. And like Boxer in Animal Farm saying he "Will work harder," I kept telling myself like a mantra, "It will get better."

I had to believe that. I felt like I was in an ocean of inky-black sadness and despair, struggling to just keep my head afloat above the waves.

I had the foresight to not drink any alcohol during that time, and I found a newfound love for exercise. I don't think I've been in better shape at any time in my life than that last year of CRNA school.

I dabbled in religion, heavily in Buddhism. I did anything I could that was positive and would help me move forward. And I refused to give into despair.

I felt it.

It was a very real and constant presence. But I refused to fail.

Miraculously, I got through.

Once I graduated, I became so focused on the moment - I just wanted to have a good time. I still do, but I realize now there's more to it than just food, or having a good drink. I've really been trying to understand what I can do to get the most out of even the mundane.

Jimy Carrey of all people, really caught my attention the last six months. I've seen clips of him babbling crazy shit that also kind of made sense. A memorable one was him at some star-studded event talking about how he wasn't real and that "none of this mattered." His incoherent/coherent babblings made me go down a YouTube rabbit hole to see what the hell he was talking about.

It turns out that he is a huge fan of Eckhart Tolle, particularly his book, The Power of Now.

Naturally, I had to read it.

There are some real gems in there. It is a very cerebral book. It's actually designed so when you read it, in some sections there are actual icons indicitating for you to pause, and process what the passage just said.

One of my favorite quotes (of many), is the following:

Time isn't precious at all. Because it's an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time, but the one point that it out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you focuse on time - past and future - the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.

That's just one of many quotes in the book that hit me like a ton of bricks. And it reminded me what dogs innately understand and how they are so joyous - they are predominantly creatures of the Now, the moment. They remember the past. But they are so intrinsicly focused on the Now that they are almost always in a constant state of joy. Sure, dogs can get anxiety, depression, etc. But they are fundamentally in the present. We give them the same shitty food every day and water - and they are so grateful and happy.

I've been slowly going through The Power of Now and as Kaine said in Alien, "I'm collating" - processing it, digesting it, trying to understand.

Even though I'm older and fatter, I am so incredibly fortunate. I'm reminded of that every day. I have a wonderful home, an engaging career that I love that pays incredibly well, and a wonderful wife. I really got lucky with the latter. My wife, Flora, is such a level-headed person. She brings a warmth and elegance to our home that only a woman can. And she is hands-down the best partner I've ever had in my entire life. I really hit the jackpot with her.

As I've been experiencing these changes in my life, in relationships, and the loss of the pups, she's been my bulwark. I've been really grateful that despite some of the life changes I've been experiencing, it's allowed me to shift my focus to Flora and really just being more present at home.

One of the best things about games, books, or any form of entertainment is that they are an escape from the stresses of life. But it's very easy to go overboard. I felt myself playing games as an addiction of sorts, but also as a means to be there more for Jake and some of my friends. Now that those folks are in a better place, it's allowed me to step back and be more present in my own life. As I embraced the change, I realized it was actually a good thing. I still play games a-plenty. But I think what's fundamentally different, is that they've taken the backseat to my wife, and my life.

And you know what? That makes me happy.

To the bestest pups that ever pupped. Love you guys.